I’ve discovered I am a better parent to my Molson than I am to my other children. It’s a harsh truth to become aware of, an even harsher truth to admit to one self and an even harder truth to put down in print! While always priding myself on being a compassionate loving person apparently I am not as open as I always thought I was. At least not with people, to Molson and my Dawn before him and Tawny before her I have always had these long open, no holds bar conversations, something I don’t do with anyone not my children not even my husband. Oh I tell him things but with Molson I tell him everything I don’t censure one iota!

I never swallow a thought or a word I just am. I am guarded but not with my Molson. Maybe that is why I am an artist, because I enjoy the solitude although truthfully this last six months I have not picked up a paintbrush, too tired and too much going on that is pushing any creativity aside. This isn’t a new occurrence seven years ago my husband went through major surgery that took a year plus to recover and I couldn’t paint then either. Although when I think back whenever I was in the studio Molson was always there with me, usually lying at my feet with me painting around him. In this new house Molson hasn’t been able to come upstairs to my studio and I miss his presence.

Maybe that is why I have always been drawn to my dogs and maybe that is why Molsie has been rallying because he knows I am going to be a little bit lost when he is gone. And maybe that is a little bit of truth for most of us out there who feel amazingly close to our pets. I don’t think I am unique in this discovery. I think it is a reality that has to be addressed since I am now aware of it. Maybe I will make a resolution …I’ll talk it over with Molson.

I had him make a promise to me 6 years ago, yup you heard right, and the proof in the pudding that he made that promise back to me is that he is still here today. This promise is one that over the last year I have been whispering to him that I release him. Six years ago, he was a young pup of 9 years old (as I have mentioned before everything is relative) I had one of my long talks and told him he had to promise me that he would stay with me until my 50^th birthday. At the time he was in amazing shape and his hip dysplasia was not an issue.

A couple of months ago, when Molson seemed to be failing I was kicking myself because I truly believe he was trying to honor his promise and hang around even though  he seemed to be slipping away. I told him I released him and to go if he needed to and I promised him to help him go if I saw that was best for him but as you probably know he didn’t go anywhere. In fact he rallied, so much that although he definitely will never walk again he is in pretty good shape.

Our lives revolve around him and he seems to sense this. He has become quite bossy and insistent if he wants to do something, and won’t rest quiet until I figure out exactly what it is. The list isn’t that long but at 3:00 a.m.

In the morning it’s a bitch! It is time for my pill, change me, flip me to another position, take me for water, feed me something I am hungry, I have to pooh, kiss me I am awake and nudgy and I don’t want to be awake by myself!

I can only admit that there are times when exhaustion is pressing me down that I think Molson if you don’t go back to sleep I may have to smother you with a pillow! Yes that thought has humorously sprung to mind in the middle of the night and thankfully will admit it is fleeting because the thought usually leads to a chuckle that resets my pissy mood to the light or right side of things.

During the week my husband plays  guardian of the day, if business takes him from the house he comes back in time for all of Molson’s needs to be met and no stress to be felt. Weekends have become my time with my love puppy. I guard that time jealously, doing everything by his side, my husband is getting use to the weekend flannel P.J. look. I do not go out if at all possible, staying close to him always touching and cuddling and having those conversations that have him tilting his head (ok in my opinion he is tilting his head!) For the first year ever I did not hit the shops after Christmas or once in January for the bonanza sales. (Hmmm maybe my husband had a little talk with Molsie also!) and all of those great movies I want to see…not a one!

Still I look at him in moments when he is sleeping (usually with his eyes half open) that I have to stare for quite a while before I see a lift in his chest and a sigh in my heart because he is still breathing. There have been moments when I do think he is gone and for the briefest slip of a moment feel relief and then panic and then relief again when I realize he is still fine. You see I am prepared or as prepared as one can be. I already mourn the loss of my favorite walking companion. I freely admit that I can be driving to work and see a golden swishing along and my heart breaks with memory of what once was and what can no longer be. Actually who am I kidding, any dog on a walk lately has made my eyes mist up.

Don’t get me started when I happen to see a puppy golden, it’s a good thing my employees are discreet and don’t mention the bright red nose that I sometimes appear with in the morning. My husband bless his heart ignores the red honker I sometimes come home with in the evening. I usually rush in the door throw down my stuff and run to smoosh my face in his neck thankful that he is there to greet me another day.

Lately I walk through the unused upstairs master bedroom and think the time is getting closer to when I will be sleeping on a box spring instead of a floor. I walked through my studio touching my now dried half finished oil paintings knowing before the end of this year they will be wet and finished. When those thoughts come rushing in and I swallow them as I am likely to do, I think to myself who am I going to tell all of my secrets to when Molsie is gone? He kept his promise, I met that milestone head on but now I am thinking he thinks he has to stay the whole year and realizing that I have to make sure I keep my promise to him!

Source: Molsie's Blog of Animal Assistance Products, creator of the Hip Hammock and the Barrel Booster.

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