Here are some tips on how to support the Tea Party’s green platform.

• Global Warming – First disregard all scientific evidence.  Consult meteorological experts like Glenn Beck (he does use a blackboard), and Sarah Palin.  They have a firm grasp on middle America’s political temperature.  Any day that falls below the daily average temperature is a strike against man-made climate change – any day with above average temps is just a good old heatwave.

• Emulate Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell by avoiding masturbation and abstaining from pre-marital sex – 2 potentially dangerous man-made sources of global warming.

• Follow Republican Congressional leader John Boehner’s lead and slather on the self-tanner.  Our thinning atmosphere can cause harmful skin cancers (John McCain) an affliction that can undermine the Party of No’s position on climate change.  Besides, becoming your own bizarrely orange version of the sun can only help draw attention away from any real issues…like that meticulously manicured hair.

• Lowering our deficit is Job One.  Cut funding and grants to special interest groups – specifically, American-based alternative energy companies.  We all know that Al Gore’s investment in wind and solar energy is just a scam to fill his wallet with more cash to finance his those “therapeutic” massages and happy endings.

• Concentrate on the key issues facing America.  Sure it will kill a few million trees, but we must demand a hard copy of every non-white American’s birth certificate for public examination.

• Illegal immigration must be stopped.  Physically closing our borders may prevent some incidental animal migrations and isolate a few barn owl populations, but this needs to get done.  We’ve made a good start by fencing off some of our border with Mexico – now let’s get down to the serious business of closing our border with Canada to wayward Canadian comedians, Canadian geese and any stray bull moose looking to steal American jobs.

• Drill baby drill!  Nothing kicks our economy into high gear like giving piles of cash to multinational oil companies.  As BP’s Gulf oil spill showed us – the oil clean-up biz has tremendous growth potential.

Source: The Alternative Consumer

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